Completely unrelated fiction.

An idea shamelessly stolen from a good friend of mine - her blog is here.
Except, this uses classical figures!

The first to enter the cramped and dusty pub is a resplendant man, shining in golden armour with a billowing red cape. His hair is neatly trimmed and yet he looks twelve. Due to the absence of a beard probably. Sitting at the barstool, he orders every drink in the house, downs them all and mutters something about conquering the known world before dropping his spear and mentioning how his father, Philip, did nothing for him. And then, suddenly, a collection of strange looking Greek and Macedon hoplites, all unshaven, come in and surround him for no apparent reason. He decides that the table by the window is his and they all enter a phalanx, Alexander mounts his horse and charges towards the seat. In the pub.


The next to enter is no less resplendant and strangely similar, he'd been watching the young Macedonian through the window and decides to charge a table by the door, occupied by some long nosed Italian looking men, all neatly ordered and clean. Pyrrhus takes some burly yet stupid Greeks charge, fall over and all seem to die or lose limbs for no apparent reason. Yet the older Greek of Epirus takes the table, declares victory with his one remaining man, heavily wounded and screams triumph, staring and the frightened and embarrassed younger man by the window. 


The door burst open, and Hannibal enters, with a carved elephant and screams at the Romans sat at the bar, whom he decides to enter a barfight with them all, managing to outmatch and beat them all - until they decide to chase him down the road, where he hides in bins and skips, beats the hell out of them and flees again. Then a bald headed Roman, named Scipio decides to step out the way and kicks him in the side and the bearded man flees. Looking pleased with himself, he walks into the bar and the other Romans chase similar looking beardmen down the road with bins. 


A slightly chubby Roman - Pompey - enters after the bald one, followed by Crassus, clutching gold coins and Julius Caesar in military dress, balding with a hawk like nose and the ever loyal Marc Antony following him. In his arms, a beautiful Queen, Cleopatra - but he fails to notice the Legionnaire grabbing her backside though. Following but avoiding them, Cicero, an older, wiser man enters, sits at the bar, speaks for what seems to be hours in a strangely stirring manner until he finally drinks a ton of gin, speaks some more and begins to write, a clutch of wig wearing Americans, French and English liberals surrounding him, copying and screaming in his direction. 


The bar erupts! Caesar has started a fight with the barman! Pompey enters, punches Caesar but Caesar sends him flying out the window. Crassus, however, had drowned himself in cheap golden alcopops. The bar is Caesars! After several hours of nothing happening, a load of men, one of them talking to Marc Antony about breasts, all jump Caesar and stab him. Then a young man named Augustus calmly enters, decides the bar is his, wears a crown - proving it is and shoots the men who stabbed Caesar. He then chases Marc Antony and Cleopatra down the road with a stick, until they both jump in front of a bus. Returning back, he sees Cicero dead - but he looks like he's still writing.


Augustus renames the bar and nothing really happens.